God Clarifies Don't Kill Rule

Today, responding to recent events on Earth, God, the omniscient creator-deity worshipped by billions of followers of various faiths for more than 6,000 years, angrily clarified His longtime stance against humans killing each other.

“Look, maybe I haven’t made myself completely clear, so for the record, here it is again,” said the Lord, His divine face betraying visible emotion during a press conference near the site of the recent mass shooting. “Somehow, people keep coming up with the idea that I want them to kill their neighbor. Well, I don’t. And to be honest, I’m really getting sick and tired of it. Get it straight. Not only do I not want anybody to kill anyone, but I specifically commanded you not to, in really simple terms that anybody ought to be able to understand.”

Worshipped by Christians, Jews, and Muslims alike, God said His name has been invoked countless times over the centuries as a reason to kill in what He called “an unending cycle of violence.”

“I don’t care what religion or political persuasion you subscribe to, or who you think your enemies are, here it is one more time: No killing, in My name or anyone else’s, ever again.”

The press conference came as a surprise to humankind, as God rarely intervenes in earthly affairs. His decision to manifest on the material plane was motivated by a deep sense of shock, outrage, and sorrow He felt over the recent increase in hate and violence around the globe.

“I tried to put it in the simplest possible terms for you people, so you’d get it straight,” said God. “But somehow, it all gets twisted around and, next thing you know, somebody’s spouting off some nonsense about, ‘God says I have to kill this guy,’ or ‘God wants me to kill those kids,’ or ‘We’re God’s chosen race so anyone who doesn’t look like us must die.’ It’s not God’s will, all right? News flash: ‘God’s will’ equals ‘Don’t murder people!’”

Many of the worst violators claim their actions are justified by passages in the Bible, Torah, and Qur’an. God admits that can be a problem . . .

“To be honest,” God said, “I have to admit there’s some contradictory stuff in there, okay? I did My best to inspire them, but a lot of imperfect human agents have misinterpreted My message over the millennia. Frankly, much of the material that got in there is dogmatic, doctrinal crap. I turn My head for a second and all this stuff about homosexuality gets into Leviticus, and, suddenly, everybody thinks it’s God’s will to kill anyone in the LGBTQ community. It absolutely drives Me up the wall. And I don’t even believe in walls.”

God praised the overwhelming majority of His followers as “wonderful, pious people,” calling the perpetrators of the murders rare exceptions.

“The vast majority of people in this world reject the murderous actions of these radical extremists and racial supremacists, just like the vast majority of Christians in America are angered by all those gun-toting, bigoted right-wing nutcases.”

Growing increasingly wrathful, God continued: “Can’t you people see? What are you, morons? There are a ton of different cultures and religious traditions out there, but the basic message is always the same: Christianity, Islam, Judaism, Buddhism, Shintoism ... every religious belief system under the sun says you’re supposed to love your neighbors, folks! It’s not that hard a concept to grasp.

“Why would you think I’d want anything else? Humans don’t need religion or God as an excuse to kill each other ... you’ve been doing that without any help from Me since you were apes! The whole point of believing in God is to have a higher standard of behavior. How obvious can you get?

“I’m talking to all of you, here!” He continued, His voice rising to a shout. “Do you hear Me? I don’t want you to kill anybody. I’m against it, across the board. How many times do I have to say it? Don’t kill each other anymore—ever! I’m absolutely serious!”

Upon completing His outburst, God fell silent and stood quietly at the podium for several moments.

Then, witnesses reported, God’s shoulders began to shake, and He wept.