On Writing - Rejection

Rejection is a part of any writer’s life, but don’t despair, even the best have received their share. Here are a few examples of best-selling books by now famous authors that were rejected numerous times, along with comments made by the rejecting editors.

Herman Melville's masterpiece, Moby-Dick, was rejected by multiple publishers, some of whom had creative suggestions for the author. Among them was this, by Peter J. Bentley of Bentley & Son Publishing House: "First, we must ask, does it have to be a whale? While this is a rather delightful, if somewhat esoteric, plot device, we recommend an antagonist with a more popular visage among the younger readers. For instance, could not the Captain be struggling with a depravity towards young, perhaps voluptuous, maidens?"

Kenneth Grahame (author of The Wind in the Willows) once received a rejection that stated: “This is an irresponsible holiday story that will never sell.” Of course, the adventures of Mole, Rat, Toad, and Badger went on to become one of the best-selling children's tales of all time.

“An endless nightmare. I think the verdict would be ‘Oh don’t read that horrid book.” This is from a rejection of H. G. Wells’ tale of alien invasion, The War of the Worlds, which is still in print 121 years later.

Many readers of Joseph Heller’s satirical book about World War II, are probably not aware that he named it Catch-22 as a way of memorializing the 22 rejections it had received. In one of those rejections, the editor stated, “I haven’t the foggiest idea about what the man is trying to say. Apparently the author intends it to be funny.”

“…overwhelmingly nauseating, even to an enlightened Freudian … the whole thing is an unsure cross between hideous reality and improbable fantasy. It often becomes a wild neurotic daydream … I recommend that it be buried under a stone for a thousand years.” Sadly, for this editor, Vladimir Nabokov’s Lolita became one of the 20th Century’s most revered novels.

Finally, here are a couple of my favorites, sent to apparently struggling writers by less-than-sympathetic editors.

"I am returning this otherwise good typing paper to you because someone has printed gibberish all over it and put your name at the top."

"Unfortunately, it falls to me to inform you that we will not be publishing your novel. While it is customary to reply with a form letter, in this case I felt I had to say a few words. First, please do not submit any future work to our offices. Second, both myself and my assistant are considering legal action against you for wasting our valuable time with your relentless tripe. Among the areas in need of vast improvement are: descriptions, character development, dialogue, plot, grammar, syntax, analogies, sentence structure, scene transitions, research, and manuscript preparation. Should this novel have been published, it would likely have resulted in the end of modern book sales."

Clarabelle's Kitchen- Random Thoughts

Skinny people piss me off! Especially when they say things like, "You know sometimes I forget to eat." Now, I've forgotten my address, my mother's maiden name, and my keys. But I've never forgotten to eat. You have to be a special kind of stupid to forget to eat.

They keep telling us to get in touch with our bodies. Mine isn't all that communicative but I heard from it the other day after I said, "Body, how'd you like to go to the six o'clock Zumba dance class?" Clear as a bell my body said, "Do it and you die, bitch!"

I had to give up jogging for my health. My thighs kept rubbing together and setting my pantyhose on fire.

I know what Victoria's Secret is. The secret is that nobody older than 30 can fit into their stuff.

Time may be a great healer, but it's a lousy beautician.

The reason why most women over fifty don't have babies? They would put them down somewhere and forget where they left them.

If men can run the world, why can't they stop wearing neckties and brownnosing their bosses? How intelligent is it to tie a noose around your neck so you can go to work and kiss someone else’s butt?

The trouble with some women is that they get all excited about nothing … and then they marry him.

Then Again #4

Today's Word - Administratium

Investigators at a major US research university recently discovered the heaviest element known to science. The element, tentatively named administratium, has no protons or electrons and thus has an atomic number of 0. However, it does have one neutron, 125 assistant neutrons, 75 vice neutrons and 111 assistant vice neutrons, which gives it an atomic mass of 312. These 312 particles are held together by a force that involves the continuous exchange of meson-like particles called morons. It is also surrounded by vast quantities of lepton-like particles called peons.

Since it has no electrons, administratium is inert. However, it can be detected chemically as it impedes every reaction it comes in contact with. According to the researchers, a minute amount of administratium causes one reaction to take over four days to complete when it would normally have occurred in less than a second. The reaction can be further delayed by a process called meetingulation, during which an assistant vice neutron gathers together several morons to drink coffee and eat pastries while accomplishing nothing of significance.

Administratium has a normal half-life of approximately three years, at which time it does not decay, but instead undergoes a reorganization to allow a number of the assistant neutrons, vice neutrons and assistant vice neutrons to  exchange places. In fact, an administratium sample's mass actually increases over time, since with each reorganization, some of the morons inevitably become neutrons, forming new isotopes.

This characteristic of moron promotion leads some scientists to speculate that perhaps administratium is spontaneously formed whenever morons reach a certain quantity in concentration. This hypothetical quantity is referred to as "critical morass."