How Cold Is It?

Killing Time

On Writing - Character Mutiny

Readers have a hard time believing it when a novelist claims her/his characters have hijacked the story and are taking it in a direction they didn’t initially intend. “How,” they say, “can a character you invented do something to your story that you didn’t plan?” The answer is simple: if you create a character, invent a back story, shape their personality, and make her/him believable, it’s only natural for that character to come to life on the page. In which case, you have a person to deal with, not a slave.

When planning a novel, I create detailed profiles for each of the main characters before I begin the writing process. Though most of the details never see print, these profiles allow me to get to know my characters on a ‘personal’ level: how they look, how their background shapes the way they act, what their opinions might be on any given subject, and so on. I even do this in a less- comprehensive way for characters I assume will play minor roles in the story (doormen, cab drivers, distant relatives, etc.). But occasionally one of these peripheral characters will jump up and say, ‘Wait a minute, you can’t relegate me to a minor role, I’m more important than that!’ I may disagree and try to push ahead with the story as I first envisioned it, but sometimes that character quickly becomes so intriguing, I have no choice but to write him/her into the deeper narrative.

A good example of this occurred in the first chapter of the novel I am currently writing, when a character named Kate, who was supposed to be a relatively unimportant assistant to the protagonist, suddenly asserted herself without my permission. I almost always base my characters on people I’ve seen or known, and I had based Kate’s profile on a young lady I’d met during my morning walks who had some interesting physical attributes. But rather than explain further, I will quote below some excerpts from that chapter that might help you better understand how her character evolved.

I was scheduled to meet the notorious expatriate’s assistant at the Key West Visitors Center on Big Pine Key, about 35 miles shy of the famous ‘Conch Republic’ itself. During our last phone conversation, Kate Wallinski had assured me that I would have no trouble recognizing her. “Just look for someone who resembles one of those stick figures we used to draw in kindergarten,” she said. And as I pulled into the parking lot, there she was, dressed in loose-fitting, canary yellow shorts and a colorful Jimmy Buffet-style shirt that hung on her toothpick frame like a wilted bandanna on a wire hanger. Anorexic would be a less than adequate way to describe her appearance, which, given my penchant for pithy journalistic commentary, I might have compared to a skeleton dipped in flesh-colored latex.

I parked next to the Mercedes G550 she was leaning on and took a moment to gather my thoughts before stepping out into the sweltering, late-summer heat. Silently admonishing myself not to look shocked, I nonetheless felt my eyes widen and my jaw drop as I approached her and accepted the bony hand she held out to me. A broad smile spread across her face—a quite pretty face, actually—indicating that she was used to such reactions.

“Hey, don’t worry about it,” she said with a chuckle that betrayed not a hint of embarrassment or rebuke. “Happens all the time. I’m Kate. And you must be Mike, the famous journalist.”

“I … uh, don’t know about the famous part,” I stammered. “But yes … yes. Mike Early. Pleased to meet you.”

Major Technological Breakthrough

We are proud to introduce the new Bio-Optic Organized Knowledge device, trade-named BOOK.

BOOK is a revolutionary breakthrough in technology: no wires, no headphones, no batteries, nothing to be connected or switched on. It’s so easy to use, even a child can operate it.

Compact and portable, BOOK can be used anywhere—even sitting in an armchair by the fire—yet it is powerful enough to hold as much information as a Kindle file or a flash drive.

Here’s how it works:

BOOK is constructed of sequentially numbered sheets of (recyclable) paper called Pages, each capable of holding thousands of bits of information.

The Pages are locked together with a custom-fit device called a binder which keeps the sheets in their correct sequence.

Opaque Paper Technology (OPT) allows manufacturers to use both sides of the sheet, doubling the information density and cutting costs.

Experts are divided on the prospects for further increases in information density; for now, BOOKs with more information simply use more Pages.

Each Page is scanned optically, injecting the information directly into your brain. A flick of the finger takes you to the next Page.

BOOK may be taken up at any time and used merely by opening it.

BOOK never crashes or requires buffering, nor can it be infected with viruses, though like other display devices it can become unusable if dropped overboard. The “browse” feature allows you to move instantly to any Page and move forward or backward as you wish.

Many BOOKs come with an “index” feature, which pinpoints the exact location of any selected information for instant retrieval.

An optional “BOOKmark” accessory allows you to open BOOK to the exact place you left it in a previous session—even if it has been closed.  BOOKmarks fit universal design standards; thus, a single BOOKmark can be used in BOOKs by various manufacturers. Conversely, numerous BOOKmarks can be used in a single BOOK, if the user wants to store numerous views at once.

You can also make personal notes next to BOOK text entries with an optional programming tool, the Portable Erasable Nib Cryptic Intercommunication Language Stylus (PENCILS).

Portable, durable, and affordable, BOOK is being hailed as a precursor of a new entertainment wave.

BOOK’s appeal seems so certain that thousands of content creators have committed to the platform and investors are reportedly flocking to invest. Look for a flood of new titles soon.

Seagulls At Sunset - Sarasota, Florida

History Of The World

The following are direct quotes from K-12 student’s essays, submitted by teachers throughout the U.S.

The Bible is full of interesting caricatures. In the first book of the Bible, Guinessis, Adam and Eve were created from an apple. A snake was present at the time. God got tired of creating the world, so He took the Sabbath off.

Noah built an ark, which the animals came on to in pears. Noah's wife was called Joan of Ark. Lot's wife was a pillar of salt by day, but a ball of fire by night.

Ancient Egypt was inhabited by mummies, and they all wrote in hydraulics. They lived in the Sarah Dessert. The climate of the Sarah is such that the inhabitants have to live elsewhere.

The Jews were a proud people and throughout history they had trouble with the Genitals. Moses led the Hebrews to the Red Sea, where they made unleavened bread, which is bread made without any ingredients.

The Egyptians were all drowned in the dessert. Afterwards, Moses went up on Mount Cyanide to get the Ten Amendments. Moses died before he ever reached Canada. David was a Hebrew king skilled at playing the liar. He fought the Finkelsteins, a race of people who lived in Bibical times. Solomon, one of David's sons, had 300 wives and 700 porcupines.

The Greeks were a highly sculptured people, and without them we wouldn't have history. They invented three kinds of columns: Corinthian, ironic, and dorc. Socrates was a famous Greek teacher who went around giving people advice, so they killed him with an overdose of wedlock. After his death, his career suffered a dramatic decline.

Jesus was born because Mary had an immaculate contraption. When Mary heard that she was the mother of Jesus, she sang the Magna Carta. When the three wise guys from the east side arrived, they found Jesus in the manager. Later, St. John, the Blacksmith, capsized him.

The people who followed the Lord were called the 12 decibels.

One of the opossums was St. Matthew who was by profession a taximan. The epistles were the wives of the apostles. A Christian should have only one spouse. This is called monotony.

Then came the Middle Ages when King Alfred conquered the Dames. He had many brave knights who road on prancing horses and beautiful women. Joan of Arc was canonized by Bernard Shaw, and victims of the blue-bonnet plaque grew boobs on their necks. Finally, Magna Carta provided that no man should be hanged twice for the same offense.

In medieval times people were alliterate. During this time, people put on morality plays about ghosts, goblins, virgins, and other mythical creatures.

The Renaissance was an age in which Martin Luther was nailed to the church door for selling papal indulgences. He died a horrible death, being excommunicated by a bull.

It was painter Donatello's interest in the female nude that made him the father of the Renaissance, which was an age of great inventions and discoveries. Gutenberg invented the Bible, and another important invention was the circulation of the blood. Later, Sir Francis Drake circumcised the world with a 100-foot clipper.

Then came the enlightenment. Voltaire invented electricity and also wrote a book called Candy. Gravity was invented by Isaac Walton. It is chiefly noticeable in autumn, when the apples are falling off trees.

John Bach wrote a great many musical compositions and had a large number of children. In between, he practiced on an old spinster. Bach died from 1750 to the present. Bach was the most famous composer in the world, and so was Handle. Handle was half German, half Italian, and half English.

Beethoven wrote music even though he was deaf. He was so deaf he wrote loud music. Beethoven expired in 1827 and later died for this.

The nineteenth century was a time of a great many thoughts and Inventions. People stopped reproducing by hand and began reproducing by machine.

The invention of the steamboat caused a network of rivers. Then came the First World War, which ushered in a new error in the anals of human history.

Then Again #9

The Brits Love Their Pets

According to a recent study of 2,000 British cat and dog owners, more than half prefer spending time with their pets over spending time with other humans. Why? Because they don’t nag, never talk back and are always in a good mood. Not only that, but more than a third prefer their pets to their partners, saying their pet is a better listener, while 45-percent like the fact they are never judged or questioned by their cat or dog. In addition, a surprising 29-percent say their four-legged friend is better at snuggling, and 44-percent would rather cuddle up with them than they would with their better half.

“Whilst some of the findings of this research are on the surface rather surprising, what they actually demonstrate is just how much we Brits love our pets and why they’re such an important part of our families,” said Hannah Edwards, Senior Marketing Manager for Freshpet, which carried out the research using OnePoll.com. “Whether that means using our four-legged friends as a sounding board for our problems, cuddling up with them on the sofa in a quiet moment, or simply spending quality time with them and enjoying their unconditional love, it’s clear that our beloved pets mean the world to us ... even more at times than our life partners. Shockingly, when faced with the decision to choose a pet or a partner, 14-percent would rather spend the rest of their life with their pet.”

And if you think my photo-composited image above is a joke, you should know that once, on a visit to The Gambia in West Africa, the Queen was actually given a crocodile as a pet for Prince Andrew.