Today's Word - Administratium

Investigators at a major US research university recently discovered the heaviest element known to science. The element, tentatively named administratium, has no protons or electrons and thus has an atomic number of 0. However, it does have one neutron, 125 assistant neutrons, 75 vice neutrons and 111 assistant vice neutrons, which gives it an atomic mass of 312. These 312 particles are held together by a force that involves the continuous exchange of meson-like particles called morons. It is also surrounded by vast quantities of lepton-like particles called peons.

Since it has no electrons, administratium is inert. However, it can be detected chemically as it impedes every reaction it comes in contact with. According to the researchers, a minute amount of administratium causes one reaction to take over four days to complete when it would normally have occurred in less than a second. The reaction can be further delayed by a process called meetingulation, during which an assistant vice neutron gathers together several morons to drink coffee and eat pastries while accomplishing nothing of significance.

Administratium has a normal half-life of approximately three years, at which time it does not decay, but instead undergoes a reorganization to allow a number of the assistant neutrons, vice neutrons and assistant vice neutrons to  exchange places. In fact, an administratium sample's mass actually increases over time, since with each reorganization, some of the morons inevitably become neutrons, forming new isotopes.

This characteristic of moron promotion leads some scientists to speculate that perhaps administratium is spontaneously formed whenever morons reach a certain quantity in concentration. This hypothetical quantity is referred to as "critical morass."

Today's Word: Polymath

Some years ago, during a lengthy and somewhat inebriated conversation with a lovely young bartender, I was asked how I knew so much about so many different things. I must have been inadvertently trying to impress this young lady (booze sometimes has that effect on the connection between my brain and my mouth) because the truth is, I know a little about a lot of stuff, but not a lot about anything. When I realized this faux pas, I quickly regrouped and admitted that, out of financial necessity, I had worked at dozens of different jobs during my life, gleaning a tiny bit of experience and knowledge from each one. She gave me a skeptical smile, then politely asked me to list those jobs. I told her I could not possibly do so off the top of my head, but that I would comb my memory and get back to her. A few days later, I returned to the bar and handed her the list, which was, to the best of my recollection, an honest recounting of my rather pedestrian history from age five on. As a way of introducing today’s word, I’m going to include that list here.

Boy soprano; tap/ballet dancer; magician/escape artist; guitarist; drummer; bass player; keyboardist; rock band member; rock vocalist; commercial jingle writer; songwriter; record producer; rock concert promoter; lawn maintenance contractor (I mowed lawns); owner of a teenage night club; air conditioner installer; warehouse manager; roofer; day laborer; carpenter; dry wall hanger; house painter; printing press operator; graphic artist; print shop manager; hospital printing dept. manager; retail salesclerk; manufacturer's representative; wood fence builder; competition trap and skeet shooter; dishwasher; sous chef; failed rock star; studio musician; luthier (builder of stringed musical instruments); music store owner; musical instrument repair and restoration specialist; dulcimer builder; failed poet; planter and furniture manufacturer; director of maintenance for public housing; freelance journalist; newsletter publisher; magazine editor; competition pool player; billiard supply dealer; pool cue builder; pool tournament director and tour promoter; failed pool hustler; professional gambler; marketing director for a major pool cue manufacturer; video & TV scriptwriter and director; marketing consultant; stringer for dozens of magazines; website designer; e-commerce business owner; Photoshop artist; wood sculptor; novelist.

After that, whenever I came into the bar, the bartender called me “Polly,” a nickname I thought was demeaning until she explained that it was short for “Polymath.” Far from being a derogatory reference to a parrot, the word from which my new nickname was derived actually constituted quite a complement, though I have to admit a severely exaggerated one. So, today’s word is “Polymath,” and for those few out there who might be unaware of its meaning, here is a brief rundown:

From The Macmillan Dictionary: 

“Polymath derives from the Greek ‘polys’ meaning ‘much,’ and from the root of ‘manthanein,’ a verb which refers to the process of learning. Its first recorded use is from the 1620s.

“Polymath is a noun that refers to a person who is well-informed and learned about a wide variety of topics, as opposed to possessing expertise in one specific field of inquiry. The idea of a polymath is expressed by the term ‘Renaissance man’ (or woman), and great thinkers such as Leonardo da Vinci or Galileo were embodiments of this concept, possessing an intelligence that ranged across a diversity of subjects, including literature, philosophy and mathematics, amongst other disciplines.”

So, basically, a polymath is a person who knows a lot about many subjects. Which, unfortunately, excludes me, because, as I said, I know a little (not a lot) about a many subjects. And, at least from a talent and intellectual standpoint, I couldn't qualify to tie Leonardo's shoe laces (even the one whose last name is DiCaprio).