Skinny people piss me off! Especially when they say things like, "You know sometimes I forget to eat." Now, I've forgotten my address, my mother's maiden name, and my keys. But I've never forgotten to eat. You have to be a special kind of stupid to forget to eat.
They keep telling us to get in touch with our bodies. Mine isn't all that communicative but I heard from it the other day after I said, "Body, how'd you like to go to the six o'clock Zumba dance class?" Clear as a bell my body said, "Do it and you die, bitch!"
I had to give up jogging for my health. My thighs kept rubbing together and setting my pantyhose on fire.
I know what Victoria's Secret is. The secret is that nobody older than 30 can fit into their stuff.
Time may be a great healer, but it's a lousy beautician.
The reason why most women over fifty don't have babies? They would put them down somewhere and forget where they left them.
If men can run the world, why can't they stop wearing neckties and brownnosing their bosses? How intelligent is it to tie a noose around your neck so you can go to work and kiss someone else’s butt?
The trouble with some women is that they get all excited about nothing … and then they marry him.
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